I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
