This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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