I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize