but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
