Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
