Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
