buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
