that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
