our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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