I can text with my tongue
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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