He uses pillows to masturbate.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
