Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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