last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
