she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
