My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
