I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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