i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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