Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
