1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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