did you get engaged???
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize