i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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