just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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