I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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