the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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