Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
