It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize