when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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