shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
