watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
