I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
