I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
