I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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