i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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