after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
