1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
