mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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