the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize