Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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