I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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