Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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