I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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