my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
