It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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