fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
