why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
The best revenge is premature balding
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
