she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
