I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
this boner is exhausting
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
