what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It's never too late to be topless.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
is it fun? or sober?
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