awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
