a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
