how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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