I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
