i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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