Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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