We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize