She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
