Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Even my vagina gasped.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
