Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
