As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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