Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
