I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You ruined the universe
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
